reality show in the living room with mom and brother. fuck. i was really disappointed last week there wasn't a second episode of "too many cooks".
next tuesday will be my test-drive of leadership at my volunteership. i do not want to think about it. i do not want to print out the employee application nor do i want to fill out and sign papers.
as much as everything seems to be falling into place, and i'm happy, things are a little off. i'm not as strict on myself as i have been for years. too strict. wouldn't eat strict. and coping with the change is tricky. i have to meander around the admonishing voice that tells me "i'm lazy", or that it's my fault i can't seem to keep this one plant of mine alive. i try not to think about this plant that just seems like it's self destructive. does this mean i don't care? i hope not. i did make a few attempts to figure it out.
my psychiatrist says welcome to winter, it's time for seasonal effective to kick in. i need to absorb as much D3 as i can but like, when i go outside the sun isn't around. the sky is petrified puke. my leo heart is way irritated over this.
however, i can walk around my backyard in my underwear openly because nobody is outside, and i just don't care what the neighbors think so i ought to take advantage of that. i'm paranoid about other things all right, but like, there's so much sex screaming at me from the magazines when i wait in line at the grocery store that i wonder if i'm schizophrenic and fixated on a notion that society is obsessed with sex. me in my jessica simpson underwear and my lover's hoodie baggin' up doggie ca-ca or trimming my perennials can't possibly give a boner. i'm an acquired taste.
although now that i think about that wee-bit of factotum when chinaski masturbates to a stranger who's vagina he can barely see across the street, there's a chance.
i don't travel anymore. my jack kerouac days are over. i don't know where to go, and i'm afraid of having a terrible time. even more, i'm afraid of dissociating, because that happens every damn time. but i do miss the aliens i've observed, as they don't bother with my location. really, i can't blame them. the air is tense here, it's ridiculously expensive, and everyone judges each other.
alaska is full of aliens. i totally swear. when me and my girl sat in a big comfy barnes &nobles on one of our daily strip-mall outings, we spoke of aliens. than she said, "wouldn't it be funny if as we're talking about aliens it turns out there are aliens right next to us?" and the two aliens sitting near us looked at us, looked at each other, than got up and walked away.
and i heard today, it's possible that that UFO i saw in 2008 might've been a sophisticated government blimp thing. possible. but i'm suggestible enough when not defiant. that UFO! i was smoking on our patio, when i saw it, kind of like a crystalline squid orb. huge. nearby, i presume. it sat there and glittered, than kind of hovered. i crept back inside to grab the phone to exclaim the news to my then boyfriend. when i went back out, it was gone. dammit kanamit! oh, you really did mean something to me.