Wednesday, January 28, 2015

these, these, these, thief.
wandering eye i want us to die
in the name of love. other

people do weird shit like that
all the time.
savage us both but not of hunt.

my senile dog is going
to be sent down the river.

there is no toll for other animals.

baby blanket, death blanket.
long time ago i dreamt

i was strolling along the brooklyn bridge except
it was the g.w bridge and i was with my dog
and my ex-stepmother and she was riding a horse.

my dog was happy and you can tell through his
prancing and his lifted tail. "tail". it's like
two inches long.

then he tripped on a plank and was dangling off the
side of the bridge from his harness. i panicked
and tried to figure it out in my head before
acting. so he loosened of the harness

and i watched him skydive into the water below
kind of like a flying squirrel.

i woke up and cried.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

and i forgot about my nudes.

I.

watch my dream for me while i go to powder my nose.
dream brushing, keep it. trap it in a locket.

curiosity introduces me to pleasure.
it's tickling the inside of my cheek.
involuntarily,
i kept smiling spasmodically.

what is it, new thing?
"the beetle requests you lift him
off his back." again?

he's the king-in between, a link between he
and
uncouth hurting.

na, na, na,              na ,  na na,    n                    a.

II.

AT THE CENTER OF RECENT HISTORY OF THE COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUS IS THIS STATE OF CULTURE.

SELF-documentation. these days, the people
obsess over it, even if not

all the smog it emits. emit away!

back in my day when i was pretty young and vibrant, we played with poor people things
e.g. make believe

do something
do everything, do speed.
tell the world "i'm in control.

'and this is how i go about
demonstrating it."

you never are in control. (humbling lesson, one)

you think you're not something until
you find out you are.         (humbling to countless degrees)

crushing. truly crushing.

you can still see the world from riverside park. things are
still as good as they used to be.

people don't know that "rebel without a cause" was a movie from the fifties (they don't even know natalie wood was the little girl in "miracle on thirty-fourth street". they don't even know who murdered natalie wood or that she was murdered or that natalie wood existed.)
because they can't possibly imagine
that "ahead of their time"-ness existed way back then.

the world wasn't ready for it yet which is why it had to come across the way it does.
the world still isn't ready for it.

that's why the expression exists.
we must exonerate it else marvel.

(marilyn monroe wasn't marilyn monroe's name. it was her gig. she, too, was murdered.)

III.


years of symbolisms in outer-world things gone ignored.
and then it begins: music. really? at a time like this?

i'm overwrought with beaten-ness.
beaten-ness stains my ugly.

ode to a grecian urn:
siren songs and one-dimensional scenes of sailors under siren trances

haven't
we all
worked just so
hard our
whole
lives

the phone rings. if death be, it must not
be one anti-climactic. therein phobia so tragedy, too.

"i fully maintain my belief that oj simpson is innocently hiding in this ear."
"after twenty years, you still believe oj simpson is innocently hiding in this ear?"
"after twenty years, i continue to believe oj simpson is innocently hiding in this ear."

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

clean consciences
missionaries
the short-cut
tastes that do not settle

cloudiness in the way
things peering from the ceilings
my how i've grown since
baptism

prison walls

little sistine chapel grows up to be a big boy.

son of sam
manson
john wayne gacy
jeffery dahmer
bundy
ramirez.

commodity.
wild wild blood.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

strange fruit.

relationships.
i don't think of god enough

this is very scary
egos and death

dad-shit
cutting
cutting jokes on the internet

everything is something
i keep secret.

zero signs of
change since last interaction.
leave.
when you come around again,
exhibit signs of change.

mentioning religion in poems
mentioning religion to people

putting things out
reviving them
doing that over and over,
covering all the bases.

being direct.
being an ass.
being sweet.
pride
hurting myself
keeping up with a blog

i've got it under control.
people can perform miracles,
i'm people!

just no emotional "core".
i prefer to look at it as something
in the process of disintegrating

but that it takes a long time to
do that fully.

ought to tone my core which i imagine
is behind my abdominal
region somewhere even though

it was kinda always pulled pork to
begin with at nature/nurture

nature


nurture
naturenurturenaturenurturenaturenurture.

hang,
hang from the poplar trees.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

in a dream i was visiting dad, but he was behind the scenes, the inner workings of my unconscious mind i generally let go idle these days. so i went to the vintage store below his house, saying hello to old friends, the twins that run the shop. while they left the shop for half of a minute i stole several items. it's just too easy sometimes.
as it turned out, the twins were never there in the first place. they were in what was now their house that was upstairs. i don't remember if i did steal things after all, or if i was just observing them, every little detail of these twins whose taste in vintage shit i admired so. sitting on the vintage couch in the shop to feel like i was cool too. one of the twins came running downstairs, asking out of sheer suprise when i got there, because she always comes running down out of excitement when she hears the shop door open. so it turns out they had seen me before, but thought i had left when they left. i stayed behind, and they caught me. i lied and said i just got there, again.
out of nervousness i began picking up all sorts of trinkets, joking that i was going to steal them. some sort of irony to cover my tracks that i believe i left.

in another dream all these couples had dying partners, or partners that were going to leave. it was reality tv. all i care about was this one guy, in his eighties. someone said about him, "you know, he's the most interesting one, because he's the one who is going to be the one to lead a life of solitude." i watched him sitting in a beach chair, watching the sky over the ocean, wearing a brave smile.

in this next dream i was in high school again. i couldn't handle my assignment because there were all these voices racing around me, though they were really in my head. i kept slumping over, feeling paralyzed, holding my head up as best i could, failing away at school as i do in all of my school dreams. i repeated several times, "it's too manic. everything is too manic."
this dream holds significance for me. because when i woke up, i thought it really does feel that way. everything is manic except me. it's too distinct to mistake.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

dangerous crutch, one step not
ever quite leading to the
next. suction

of the pacifier. you can always
humor in good taste, but
to confuse is an incidental
experience.

guns
thousands of guns please themselves
a rainbow of them
as a flipbook

deny it. go to the supermarket
to get away from it. it

get's worse until
it's well-rested.

i read about neuroscience upstate. all
i learned failed to stick to my
memory. it stays that way.

there's something about
books about the brain

that i get a guilty feeling over my own brain
when i read them.
just feel better, as if there isn't a jungle gym
filled with jungle gyms and monkeys
throwing shit and shit throwing
temper tantrums

all having unwholesome sex
with each other

all within the jungle gym-
the sonorous brain, that is.

just be enlightened like me, because
it's better than your chaos
which you cherish.

its axis is fixed and somehow triumphant.

once
once a year, and only during
the night
the lightning comes down and
cherishes the earth. sequins- the

result is a sparkling cave-snow. the
ground is cold in my
matching socks, and i'm not over it.

space inside looks exactly
like space above. afraid of heights
though earth is in mid-air

Monday, January 5, 2015


I WANT TO GO.
with-child snowflake- driftin'. an inevitability
MADE OF CARBON

my man is big and my man is strong, and
i'm fastened to the side of my man

and if i wasn't
a baby buddha would pop out of him

and i'd die five days later.

in america, you can be prejudiced against anything. just
some prejudices have names and some don't and
some aren't super politically correct to acknowledge.

you can be prejudiced against any t-h-i-n-g- which means,
that things have souls and since we're not convinced
we are incomplete. jesus god hold hands everyone

like on unicef cards!

my name is america and i'm an alcoholic.
i'm an alcoholic because
i see idealists rise and get all corrupted
every new presidency. they were chosen
because the house of representatives saw
innocence which they were
interested in breaking the hymen of.

then the presidents become these fallen
romantic figures with gray hair.

but not all idealists.
i don't see what's so shitty about wanting
to make the earth go around as well as
making the earth go around.

once i saw a lady with her granddaughter
on my block. the granddaughter was about
to pick flowers from the house i once

picked flowers at but my mom told me
not to do that again ('kuz it's rude.)

this lady educated her daughter all gently
that flowers live and that's why
it isn't polite to pick them.

i can't think of any other law so big and universal.

hlep


miss kali our lady who has
got style

couldn't get enough of donating
blood just one try and she was in it
for the long haul

exalt,
she in her WASP-y destiny

i know
i know i'm white
 
the only color nobody notices

so lonely
wish i had friends so
drugs instead

and i'm missing the drug
who i leave
though
there is yet to be a parting.

funny thing, leaving doesn't
always change the way you feel

lisp to overcome

cough
cough

rock in my lungs
kissed it in nature

and it said "my daughter, these
lies become yours too, from
now on.
"
every formula known to man
ever
i tear it down in the waiting room 'kuz
it's not my thing i've
had
my
share

you are hopeless, so into the streets.
you have such a great big heart, into the streets with you
show it off there.

so badly did i want her to be a doctor.
and because she didn't reach these distressful, unrealistic
expectations
i went on to always remind her this has broken me
and she went on to remind herself she's a disappointment
as well as fat ugly gross etc.,

we're in a car together in cypress hills.
i'm showing her that, like me, you can come from crap
and grow up to be a capitalist man
and feel detached entirely from where you originated

and suppress all the chaos like really.

at a red light, a man begins cleaning
the windows. "stop stop stop stop stop no no NO"

kali thinks he looks desperate.
shit is he desperate.

jehovah's witnesses and them-

i unlock the car door and run out there because
i get that

just
get that lots

i listen to classical music.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

legal documentation
i was young once too you know
the last kiss is a regret
because a suprise always sneaks up on you


system owes me one
a secret handshake kinda high-five



i'm not sure what everyone is trying to advertise but i'm pretty sure that it's all diverting me from the truth...
...

which is that both my phone and my camera need tripods

new year's resolution.

AVOID KILLING (CAUSING THE DEATH OF ANOTHER LIVING BEING DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY)

AVOID STEALING (TAKING SOMETHING OF VALUE THAT BELONGS TO ANOTHER WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. THIS INCLUDES BORROWING WITH THE CLEAR INTENTION NOT TO RETURN THE OBJECT)

AVOID SEXUAL INTERCOURSE AND ANY OTHER TYPE OF SEXUAL CONTACT, INCLUDING SELF STIMULATION

AVOID LYING (DECEIVING ANOTHER BY YOUR ACTIONS OF BODY, SPEECH AND MIND OR HAVING SOMEONE LIE ON YOUR BEHALF). THIS INCLUDES LYING BY IMPLICATION, E.G., REMAINING SILENT IN ANSWER TO A QUESTION, THUS ALLOWING SOMEONE TO DRAW A FALSE CONCLUSION

AVOID INTOXICANTS

AVOID EATING MORE THAN ONE MEAL FOR A TWENTY FOUR HOUR PERIOD. THE MEAL SHOULD BE TAKEN BEFORE NOON AND ONCE YOU HAVE STOPPED EATING FOR MORE THAN THIRTY MINUTES THE MEAL IS CONSIDERED FINISHED. THEREAFTER LIGHT FLUIDS SUCH AS TEA AND COFFEE CAN BE TAKEN, BUT NOT UNDILUTED WHOLE MILK OR FRUITE JUICE WITH PULP. YOU SHOULD ALSO AVOID EATING CERTAIN "BLACK" FOODS, SUCH AS MEAT EGGS ONIONS GARLIC AND RADISHES

AVOID SITTING ON A HIGH EXPENSIVE BED OR SEAT WITH PROUD MOTIVATION. ORNATE OR JEWELED SEATS AND ANIMAL-SKIN COVERS SHOULD ALSO BE AVOIDED.

AVOID WEARING JEWELRY, PERFUME AND SIMILAR ADORNMENTS. AVOID SINGING, DANCING OR PLAYING MUSIC WITH ATTACHMENT.

carrying the cross of a former life for ten months.

severe sprain and high-grade tearing of the anterior talofibular ligament with adjacent soft tissue edema.
focal peroneus longus tendinosis at level of the lateral malleolus, without evidence for tears.
joint effusions at the tibiotalar and posterior subtalar joints. mild subchondral bone marrow edema in the posterior talus adjacent to the posterior subtalar joint. no evidence for fractures.

type i os naviculare.

w-w-w-what's going to happen when i turn seventeen