hi! [omitted] thank you for writing this to me, because it shows a degree of trust, which is an honor. trusting people means either going through loopholes or going right to the source of ones demons and slicing their jugulars because during the moment you need to trust someone so bad that you surrender to it. it brings us all a step further when we can do it. : )
concerning [omitted]...i've felt like a failure before, during, and after doing it. it just reinstates the fact that i feel like a failure. it's a really upsetting thing for people to talk about, and for a lot of people to even tolerate listening to- because it's physical. physicality is intimate. people who don't do what we do don't quite get how people can internalize anger to a violent degree. and you know what? good for them. good for them that they don't have to get it. if they did, perhaps that'd be a problem- we'd find out THEY'RE suggestible too, and than we'd ALL watch each other suffer in the same exact ways, and never get anywhere with the epidemic!
please keep in mind you are a warrior. i watched a documentary on the bombings of hiroshima and nagasaki a few weeks ago. it is called "white light/ black rain". one woman in the documentary said that she had the courage to live, while others have the courage to die. it meant a lot to me- it meant either way, you have courage. i am not a coward or an idiot for developing personally while experiencing life, especially how intensely i do. it means i have the courage to live. this is positive- meaning, it adds to the quality of my well-being.
life is really weird, we acknowledge this. in regard to what that woman said in the documentary, i thought about my own experiences...how is it evident i possess a courage to live? well, for one, i survived a bunch of things i wouldn't have if i had the courage to die. another point i can make is i feel disturbed when other people act out on their courages to die. those are the only deaths around that i feel sorrow over- like, "this shouldn't of happened. this shouldn't happen." i guess i can empathize, but i can't get myself to die.
and what's most ridiculous about all this existential stuff is that my reaction toward it all comes down to this: my sense of pride is hurt. *that's it*. it totally sucks that it's so simple, but i can laugh so hard at it, too. the ego is that cunning. like, that's it. it's all a pride thing. my unhappiness with the way i have to live while i continue to wait for my symptoms to dissipate, my confusion over the abstractions of these symptoms, their unpredictability and my unpredictability, my embarrassment....i think they really take a toll on my sense of pride- and pride is the gateway to all the hell that breaks loose.
pride is merely an ego-attribute. but there is a light: the more i actualize pride, the more likely i believe i am going to be able to develop patience for the waiting. because i am alive. and the courage of being alive holds meaning to me. it *gives* to me. if i feel like jumping out of a window of a tall building- it's still the same, just the opposing perspective: i don't have the courage to die- which is negative, meaning i know it would *take away* from me and i'm just not into it. i don't mean take *me* away from all my stuff i can't stand, but it would take away my possessions, which i'm clearly not willing to dispossess, otherwise i just would.
death (or "biological cessation" as i prefer to put it, as i don't even really believe we ever like, die for good) would only set back a process that isn't in my own hands.
if i have the courage to live, i don't need to the courage to die. i need to move past my hang-ups with it. the courage to die goes against natural selection. and really, nobody ought to be put through a life wherein they experience a courage to die. it seems like a terrible affect of a genetic glitch to me.
and if i am to ever experience the desire to die, i have no choice but to bounce back from it. if i am alive, i am learning. i wait, and i learn from it. it can seem unbearably subtle. but keep waiting. you will continue to possess more of what you need to survive. because you have the courage to do it.