Wednesday, July 29, 2015

it has occurred to me that i don't "believe" in anything, and i'm starting to feel like a total gods damned nihilist. at first, i stopped believing stuff because it seemed invented. then i took it a step further and realized that what is invented is invented by people, because they're afraid of something deeply unconscious and wounding. a couple of days ago i stopped believing doctors are really doctors- that doctors are ever truly medicine people- shamans. i have stopped believing in my medical conditions, considering i have been this way my whole life. marriage is a terrible thing for people to do to themselves- all this admin work and money, just to be introduced as freshly obliged semantics? don't you guys realize that's the justice system is completely fucked up, relationships don't last forever, and divorce sucks? then i realized everything is covered in semantics which is cultural rule and ultimate destruction, because people don't know they are innocent and overwhelmed and will stop at nothing to ignore truths because people are also stubborn. we learned war by way of said destructive tendencies and our dualistic outlook- our minds, and all which is not our minds. it's an innate thing- separating our sense of selves away from nature. but we have to start life this way, in order to gather ourselves away from the ego and lean back into the dimensionless. we are all nature.

i don't know what to do except realize it and not commit suicide