Sunday, August 30, 2015

frog and toad and the sensible human being with better feelings.

two frogs are in a backyard in a little suburban town. let's name this little
suburban town something weird

that i've heard in phone commercials before. we'll name it massapequa.
the two frogs are both named jeremiah. they're getting to know each

other slowly, which is great, but it's taking fucking forever.

ribbit, one says.
ribbit, the other replies, fifteen minutes later.

the woman whose backyard this is is in her house trying to sleep. she can't,
because she's fixated on the frogs not hurrying the fuck up

with their alien process. after this last round of shared "ribbits", she thinks

she might finally achieve some rest. but no...

ribbit, is what the other frog replies to the other one, five minutes later.

ribbit, age/sex/location?
ribbit, single white female.

ribbit? oh, yes? may i buy you a drink?
ribbit. sure. let's sleep together.


they've been on opposing sides of the restless woman's coy pond. they're getting
a few stones closer to one another.



that's boring.

oh. oh. i'm convincing you this orgasm is real.

oh. oh. i don't care whether or not your orgasm is real.

ribbit. i expect you'd like some tea?

ribbit. just beer and my guitar. weed. tv.

ribbit. okay, dear. i'll be over here restraining myself from calling you daddy. it's too soon! much too soon!

ribbit. i'm popping the question.

ribbit. i'm pregnant so this is great!

ribbit. i figured. happens to the best of us.

ribbit. yes! yes! but you must vow to eat parsley twice daily!

ribbit. i'll google that later.



the woman inside can't believe frogs fall for this bullshit. she opens her bedroom window facing the backyard in which they've been taking up precious space. she opens it

with haste. her head pops out.

ribbit! a cat burglar!

ribbit! no- a person with sensibilities!

FUCK ALREADY AND MAKE A MOVE ON IT! she screams until she bleeds.

the two frogs divorce and leave their tadpoles, which, i'm sure you figured, happened. they developed little legs and stuff. i'm sure they'll be fine. everyone goes through the grieving process, which is predictable. the tadpoles become little whores with one another but decompose soon after. a life of issues developed too early is a ruined life.

"fuck you mom and dad," were their last words before they all spread little amphibian aids to one another and died.