Tuesday, August 18, 2015

i keep learning phones are feds

10 gallon tank water has been dechlorinated. I'll need more bowls because there's too many fish at once and not enough nitrogen eating bacteria which is only generated by increasing the amount of fish gradually. I thinkin have more around the house. some of them are on icu status, but honestly if worse comes to worst for them i think dying with a sense of hope which i believe every little thing needs as it is a rule of natural survival is better than being dumped in the trash. and you know what's even funnier. is the dbt program i tried to get into before this, they rejected me, though it was decided by their team that dbt was would be beneficial to my well-being -and they wouldn't let me into the bipolar group, bc their opinion was that would NOT be beneficial. dbt would. they referred me to hofstra. and their opinion is the opposite. i hid in the closet for sometime. but first i scratched myself very barely with my scissors, oblivious to their faint rustiness. then stopped bc i noticed my device was fucking RUSTED.
then i locked my closet door. it occured to me that it's not that i want to die, but the idea of clawing onto a ledge everyday for a life seems useless. so i thought i'd suffocate myself by taking my clothes and stuffing them at the bottom of the door and upward at the sides. i forget why now, but i stopped, and got out of my closet. and am working myself out of this spot. on my own. as usual.
 not that i need intensive therapy or anything. watching a conference from charleston police. so what happened was terrible, but i don't think someone would intrude a bible study and shoot up the place just bc they're "a terrible person". unfortunately, when people commit heinous crimes like this, it's generally bc they think they're being attacked by external sources themselves. oooh river phoenix how bohemiany ;D dude i just went to my phone to announce to idk who that i totally had a dream i was on a space mission last night, and we were finally returning to earth, and it was my older sister and i like fifteen years ago, and we found out we never finished all these chores and fell back into our earthly habits immediately. t if you tilt your phone to the left, it's an anthropomorphic mohawked puffin discovering a starfish with this tiger-tailed coneheaded parasite on his back, riding him like how a three year old rides a mastiff, sticking his arm into the back of the puffin's head- THAT'S who is making a face at me : "kill yourself", but i'm certain it's because i think of suicide, even just from a philosophical vantage point (suicide poses a major discrepancy on philosophy). but when i get "kill yourself" to the tune of (e.g) britney spears in my head, i know that that isn't right, and i wonder about it objectively.  i'm sure it's quite deranged, just one of those things i wondered if i'm alone on or not river dreamer let yourself be a leaf on the stream the tremendously horizontal landscape and the flow will have you it is its own. :d that's interesting- what are your dreams like right now? it sounds mixed 'episode' like to me. me seem so fascinating. but, i don't have a former-self to compare myself to.
people can go through their whole lives without awareness of a present condition, mental or not. we all have something. the brain is a complicated machine!
what matters more is, what do we do when our conditions are ruining us? my psychiatrist refers to my personality as "psychodynamic", which is a many-spangled title- another way to say a lot of people are just born into the mentally ill life. we don't have a former-self to compare ourselves to.
people can go through their whole lives without awareness of a present condition, mental or not. we all have something. the brain is a complicated machine!
what matters more is, wh diablo is an attitude thing. fighting is proof of reasonlessness- why fight the conplications? i want to leaen what it is they've to signal. the complications are their own, paralleling our sense of selves, which are also their own thing. these are all beams of light. should a beam of light hit another beam of light, a reflection is that. jumping jehovah do i totally have there he is in the meadows one day as a wind passed him : D