Friday, August 21, 2015

the "real or perceived" thing really freaks me out. here's your opportunity for your dialectical reasoning to be okay, but it freaks you out instead. how the hell am i supposed to know whether an experience is "real or perceived"? isn't reality relative? and isn't what is relative what is within my perceptive range?
my terrorizing thinking is my choice, my fault; i'm not doing anything to change it. my behavior is an expression of whatever my attitude is toward it during the moment. it doesn't feel like these are beliefs. it seems like they are answers. everything is terrifying. it has always been this way.
my feelings are deceptive. i get that.
i am afraid to see my psychiatrist because i don't want to reveal to him that i'm still disappointing. i am afraid to see my therapist because i don't want to reveal to her that i'm still disappointing. i am afraid to talk to people at all, though i mostly override it with "courage"...i act out on my agitation. i get pissed off. i get envious and very competitive.
in my life, i have experienced several devotions. it always feels like i'm fooling myself when mixing myself up with them, making mad attempts at diverting my attention, to gaslight myself, in a sense. it only hurts worse. at the end of the day, i think, all i want from life is to "self destruct".