Wednesday, September 2, 2015

defying expectations.

um, i don't know what i'm doing- other than perpetuating a sense of doom (i've decided words like destruction are forcibly expressive of my personal concern, doom). when an opportunity arises, i direct this energy toward it. the opportunity becomes the object; the reason. i feel attacked. "possibilities" shine so bright that it's scary. they *come after me*. they're bigger than my internal sense of self, or at least, can be measured on a scale my inner-workings cannot be measured on. it has size to begin with. that seems colonizing. i go away immediately. i do the splitting thing. i can't decide and go back and forth even between identities. i'm rather restrictive, one would be surprised to learn, and i hold back a lot. i prioritize seeming impressive (i hide a lot, because i can't seem impressive to myself).
i don't know what i'm doing...i know how to be "capricious". and because i know something about myself, in spite of its consequences and frivolities, it feels like a right i have to fucking crusade for. aside from this, i don't trust myself.