Friday, September 25, 2015

fine web finds.

think of your childhood. what are the first things you are able to express
which came to mind?

i keep thinking of my ex-stepmother's weird supermarkets she had to go to because they were fabulous, blueberries (for no detectable reason), or maybe it's the color or the ripple-yness of blueberries that i apparently respond to, being either praised or admonished for creativity, not having a sense of time and that sticking for good,

statistics show one in every six people thinks of their childhoods every one in six seconds. (doctor mistrusts statistics will be needing references if you find yourself startintg a sentence with the words "statistics show...". actually, just write a report. if i rip it apart. it's because i don't jibe with statistics, and fat chance i read your report anyway.)
continue to think of your childhood every six seconds (every one second is survival, every two seconds is existence, every three seconds is making a living, every four seconds is sex, every five seconds is body aches.) carry on with this pattern. when you think of your childhood, think of goddesses next because it's close enough.

how do you measure the abstract stuff? i want to say. i was in a new psychologist's office tonight- my psychologist i've been working with for almost four years is leaving the practice through which i see her, and i feel like playing vitamin c's "graduation" imagining my psychologist and i parting ways. he says to me, like everyone else, with the exception of the dbt programs i was rejected by, that he believes i really need to be in a DBT program. no yeah, i'd love that, but with the way american health care works, dbt is a luxury- for me, a pipe dream, because i'm no good at saving money, i don't really have a sense of its value; the value of a dollar.
these programs don't accept insurance. the cost is ridic.
if you are admitted into a DBT program, it's not unlikely you suffer a pervasive and dangerous mental epidemic (because the brain doesn't count as a major organ or anything, it's not medical. it just isn't. it's different. [wants to stop being acutely observant because it feels like nobody else is paying attention at all]). it's also not unlikely if you have "anomalous impulse functioning" symptom branded somewhere multiple times on your chart (the mystical document).

the truth behind DBT is you have to have connections to rich people, probably family. because honestly, saving money is a really boring thing to do and you have to hold still to do that.

he said he has to think over working with me (lol) because i really do need a program, and i have to commit to having my number one goal for therapy be making progress working away from intentional self injuring. really? i don't measure things on scales. how can you compare the importance of different matters without just feeling totally wrong and questioning everything you're saying? i measure things by their feeling. what i address in therapy intakes is indicative of all kinds of problematic- why can't all of the problems suck to live with harmoniously, of equal weight? grrr.

addendum: NEWS: i've fallen in love. i always drank tea without anything in it, because it seemed ritualistic, or something, to do so, like "i'm doing this for the healthy properties, not the taste". today, a change of heart because a lot of people in books i've read drink milk and honey. so i put about a teaspoon of really yummy honey into my "lavender honey stress relief" tea which had been steeping for ten minutes or so, and added a little vanilla soy milk.
i'm a little insecure knowing this now, because i know a hipster would do the same. additionally, i'm considering stopping buying any tea, and going off the grid entirely, due to people in the world picking tea leaves all day and being treated like slaves. (i.e., i'm uncomfortable having any possible link to that kind of thing.) but i only have mint, as far as readied plants with herbal properties go.