Saturday, November 7, 2015

a boost of self-esteem.

independent shadows. unwillingness. procrastinating
putting out fires.
the people in my life- those loved ones-
are on fire
because i'm on fire
and they were too, to begin with. what is hell?
fruits and vegetables. the paintings

i'm not painting. the books i'm not
reading. the dumbass in the
other room. my dog not having a better life
than that which he has. dreams of snot covering
bottom half of face? dreams of snot
covering bottom half of face. if i could take it

all back and re-do life? i still wouldn't realize
that it's not me screwing up and
that's that.
that's that, as in, that's hell, i mean. everything
that isn't being.

look.
at me. have a little look-see.
depressed with numb-ass. jewelry and make-up
and socks on too. how sad, yet
doing better now then when

i went insane last. saturday night.
tsk tsk. demeter fails to kill me, neither

of us madonnas nor whores. what ever happened
to sisterhood? made-up government bullshit
for some irredeemable crumb of hope, it seems.

what ever happened to having
friends? culture tells me to do it. i have

sworn in. no culture, god fucking
dammit. i don't depend
even when i do depend, and, of course, vice versa.
read one day

without the words being so cheap
that they do not sink in.
by george. that's it. i mean, serotonin is
involved, isn't it? why, yes, then- the answer- in

plain sight- is that i don't

digest. it's just unacceptably loud around here.
unacceptably bright. i don't have enough money.
my orgasms suck. dreaming to make up for the input-
well,
there hasn't been enough dreaming in the whole
wide world and its lifetime yet,
not yet has been called
an SOS to the empyrean- our

mediators are neglected of such privileges.