Sunday, November 8, 2015

loneliness is humiliating. i cannot think of anything more embarrassing. anything i've ever transmitted through the internet i want to hide because i'm really uncomfortable with my lone-wolf ways recently. i don't feel open, but i'm putting on my most open. [ < ---- will add annotation if i remember what i meant by this seemingly dialectical statement ]
although there are other people in my life, my best human-friend is my therapist- and I DO NOT TRUST THAT HE IS NOT BEING MEAN TO ME IN HIS HEAD. the thing is, i can count on our relationship staying therapist and therapist's client until it isn't. whereas with everyone else, i have no idea what is going on except my "heightened senses". that's pretty terrifying for me, what with my pre-existing survival overdrive. so, i'm practically always screaming or crying at people, should people be around. this all, of course, is behind closed doors. i'm beyond awesome in public because you have to be. you have to make it clear that you're aware in order to alert the danger out there that you do not give it permission to fuck with you.
i feel pretty out of touch, what with being unable to be in touch with my own brain fully- it, written off as defective. i had made a mistake and believed it was ten years since i began medication. no. it's been eleven years.

i shared this angry sentiment all lonely-like so thinking-anything earlier. it bothers me that i can't allow my brain to breathe the way it was born because i'll be in big trouble from my medicated way of life. it bothers me that i have to watch what i say or i may be pigeon-holed into something new and invalidating. got wild imagination? got psychosis.