Monday, November 2, 2015

the slightest things guide me into realizing how depressed i am. and of course i'm depressed- i don't know how to ask for help, and i don't know how to accept it when i get it. on top of that, i don't know how to connect with the illusion of the world around me, nor is it my thing; just the world itself. and this people shit. what the hell are you all on?
it's up to me to keep up with these glorious fantasies about making changes in the world- the little engine that could, and walked out of federal court, luminous and triumphant, photo-ready, and is actually more marilyn monroe than me. i don't really want most of that. i do think it's important to make changes when i realize changes can be made.

we're hard-wired these days with a new set of values...unheard of things. so, yeah, posting close-up shots of one painting i'm working on (obviously featuring a solemn madonna girl) is a fix: that which makes up for the moment and the moment alone, as if it needs to be made up for. fixes are so fucking embarrassing, god damn them. but i'm not on the verge of suicide- and from what i've been taught, that's what's supposed to be the most important part of life.

this is how i will learn to accept: "don't judge your judging." i look forward to not feeling like everything i'm doing is screwing up superfluously. i don't believe anything i've just typed. i don't believe anything i say.