Monday, November 16, 2015

well, i can say, at least i don't imagine a violent death for myself anymore. no- i just imagine the breath extinguishing itself from my body. went in the backyard as it's a beautiful day and i accept it. there are tons of creative things you can do about beautiful days. i laid down under my oak tree, kali, next to the part of the earth around her where i buried that sunstone, the day hugo died. i needed to make sure things were mystical that day. making things all mystical is going the extra mile, reassuring myself that all this, all this life stuff, is a singular spirit, and that my dog dying- well, it's a good thing i grew mint and st. john's wort the same day. it's a good thing i garden in the first place, trim plants, do stuff like that.
i need to make sure if i have a say over it, nothing goes soulless.
i wondered if that sunstone is a heart now, or something involved with the earth breathing. and if i buried my ear, if i'd either hear it or destroy the process. i wondered this as i was looking at the trees in neighbor's yards. funny how they grow and reach into the space around themselves like the veins in our own bodies do.
laying down on the grass and dirt. is this my usual depression, or a temporary extreme depression? i don't know the point to reading although i try. i haven't had a meal unless it's been handed to me for months- i cannot explain how upsetting food is. there aren't words for every emotion. i know it isn't wise to try to make up for my mistakes of eating, but please, if you will, allow me some make-believe control. i thought about cookies, indeed, while i watched my new dog, sam-i-am, and his shadow, prance around the yard with his frisbee-in-mouth.
i can't believe i have something to do in a few hours. i can't believe i have stuff to do almost every day every week. i so wish i didn't have a taste for responsibility, for hoping things will make everything else brighter.