Wednesday, December 9, 2015

sanity asassin.

wednesday entails watering plants, enough laundry to cloth an army, and putting the recyclables outside. who could ever think someone who does this kind of stuff would ever feel all-by-myself? although this is valid, let's oppose it with magnified reality. yes, when i appear to myself, i see it from the angle of others, as if i care what they think about myself, as if i want to know what i look like, really. this has nothing to do with being "sick" or anything until someone tells me it does and then i feel unsick about myself- grounded, if i may.
there's a difference between being alone and feeling alone. currently, my dog is sniffing my back-end as i'm matching my mood to bauhaus.
let's discuss how i intend on putting an end to procrastinating returning my movies to the library that i borrowed recently. like, within a half hour. then i'm going to drive with sam-i-am the dog, because he's impossible on the leash.

i can identify a few things. before the last i-can't-help-it sort of mess-up, you know, the stuff that puts the scarlet "pathetic" on my breast, i couldn't exercise my breathing anymore. i felt like i was short of breath. besides, i count when i breathe, and i couldn't count anymore. "one, two, three, four, eight, twelve...fifty? fifty one, fifty three, fifty nine....one hundred?" i was drinking ten to twenty cups of coffee a day with the same meaning of alcohol: oral fixation. no, i will not listen to bauhaus' fanboy cover of ziggy stardust because it smells like teen spirit.

supposed to call people today and how does one go about that kinda thing.

will walk to the library first. will finally watch fight club, the movie. mrs dalloway was nice, as were the verbose art history books, the latter i mostly skimmed like a cheater-fake-evildoer, but i need a break. i learn that my memory and my attention suffer as much as i do.