Friday, March 11, 2016

backspace for attention now, please.

i work the register at a drug store, but let's not get too ahead of ourselves here- i really don't like it, my manager has a hot load of negative energy, last night i swallowed something awful like, just wanting to sit for five minutes and drink water, which i in turn questioned my "willingness" to participate in life over, and then i DIDN'T fuck up a transaction, just assumed i did, and all those same demons that circled and swirled the original siddhartha came to me and i couldn't take it anymore and broke down. apparently, this is commonplace there.
needless to say, i haven't been trained (i only started recently), so i feel at a loss- thus, turning inwardly to my old friend "rigid, blinding, cancerous depression". oh, and anorexia, to an extent. but i mean everything is funny when life seems to light you on fire as your "purpose", because it's just one of those things that seems pretty unbelievable- though the concept of a personality is kinda weird, too. people say my focus, my drive on accepting and changing my relationship with my emotions is either me labelling myself (though i admit a sickness in one culture is pure light in another), or it's me searching passively for answers that just aren't true; that everything i put myself through?- mere marketing scams i've fallen for, as if i haven't thought through my lifestyle choices thoroughly.  how neurotic an emotional reaction of these people- as if they might have minds, too- ones they deny.

i have cried perhaps exceedingly all day today, before and after therapy, though i find the new module and therapists i work with relieving, pro-active, refreshing, and helpful. it's just my mood is shit. i left therapy and i'm all, "i can't remember one goddamn thing except how much of a snob i seem to myself, in spite of my friendliness, and how i was worried i'd forget everything 'kuz as a rule of thumb, i do do that, and how i was worried i'm addicted to help again." perhaps i was in pain from my part iatrogenic part psychogenic migraine condition and my knowing i'm chronically on the verge of going places i don't but do want to depart to. therapy is hit or miss like that when your "mind" is discombobulated.

and now i'm laying down because i wanna feel better in spite of my silly fear of laying down and feeling incredibly vulnerable during the day. pardon my verbosity. it's just that i kicked my favorite friend out of my life just now and i'm devestated either way but if it'd be transient, if i made the conscious choice to "end" something, the devestating pain caused by emotional reactions toward relationships goes away, guaranteed. right? i don't know where self sabotage comes from but it permits me a graveyard filled with skeletons of dead relationships- death by inability to trust other human beings when they're not in front of my face. does that make sense? does sense make sense? does anything make any sense? of fucking course not.