Saturday, March 19, 2016


this is mostly wrong- listen to it talk. do you hear it? i'm chasing after thoughts i've held again. i've run so far, so quickly, so many times, you'd imagine i'd regain my composure but i'm still chasing the thinking though i know it died- the thinking dies quickly. this matters more than when people die because, you know, the ideas i experience will change the world. help me evade my grieving. i can't go through this a hundred times everyday, you see. i want to do heroin, so often i've read of it in books it seems dreamy. i want to do cocaine, i've read of it, it seems exactly like what i need. i'd like some acid tabs on my desk in front me silent in the presence of royalty, waiting for me to choose to allow them into my being.
at the end of everything that begins somehow is always a sailboat in the distance i ignore, nearing the sunset- oh, those sunsets- i feel needles slowly dip into my eyes until i can see no longer. beauty pains me with the high threshold i have for it, considering my low threshold for pain. i wish sunsets were gray, drab skies; something wise to avoid.
i cannot seem to search my mind for what i want to remember. it was so simple, the information; i remember believing i was clever for thinking of something simple.
i obsess over it. everything is "theirs"- turn off the light and "they" exist, the other human race we speak of so we can speak indirectly to one another, speak about the language of our shadows. "please don't hurt me," is what we would say if we spoke from sincerity.
i've searched everywhere i go. i've asked myself if i deserve what i want.

we never deserve what we want. and these days, the mind has grown so sophisticated, and merits re-defined into mere interpretations, to the effect that we don't deserve what we need, either. deserve is a word that we use without knowing that what we mean when we use it is that we've victimized ourselves into believing we are a unique right that may not be shared, unless i'm losing my sense of being victimized. that's when i deserve heroin. i deserve cocaine. i deserve lsd. i deserve ecstasy. i deserve glue. i deserve sharpie markers. i deserve methamphetamine. i deserve benzodiazapenes. i deserve to be a doctor. i deserve to be a lawyer. i deserve to be rich. i am owed universal worship. why won't anyone get their heads out of their asses? why? why? oh, because they found a place in which their heads will fit. they need to fall in love with me, it's an imperative. i can't imagine anyone not falling in love with me; fall in love with me.