Tuesday, May 24, 2016

getting torture.

you won me when you crawled out of my womb in a dream to which
i extended feelings of remorse. you won me for crawling out of my ass.
i am unknown otherwise. i only show what i like to
and barely can i do so.
i am unknown, a house foreclosed.
i am one whose choices made are choices passive.
i am a product of excess and a catalyst of such. i am
an overpopulation. who wants to be dead?
i already do not live. let us not negate the truth

of the impermanent universe with actions
mimicking the diametrically opposing. (i will ask you whatever
i want and
what will you answer you will learn to answer after several pains
whatever i want my questions to be answered with.
i will not repeat this. if you need to hear this again, i will
simply hurt you.
)
bullet hole hole hole hole bhubolbbulleltbuellehtb hjeoellehilel,ellelpansiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.
i've seen more bullet holes than you ever have
so shut up or you will never be able to hold still.
pretty soon, anyway, you never will
be able
to hold still
ever
again.

i do not live. i bear life. starvation is who i am. starvation is
all i turn myself into: the causes that i happened because of. this
is a stretch of history-
i am overgrown weeds for those who believe
weeds reach such extents.

being brave is out of
the question.

i am disgusting. i live in a house. i never left a house. no longer
am i alive for my dreams
which suck anyway.
i am stuck in traffic. i work
for a major cooperation
whose policies i disagree with
as they are all based on my humiliation
for the profit of those who pay me
for my humiliation.
my identity is a celebratory cause these days. my identity
is a diminutive defense. (don't you hold interest in remembering
your dreams
NO
your dreams
NO
why not
WHY IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION
don't you want to be
sane
NO SUCH THING
NO SUCH THING AS THE PROPOSINGS OF MARKETING SCAMS
)ONE
DAY
I'M
GOING
TO HEAVEN
AND I'M GOING TO TELL GOD
TO WAKE THE FUCK UP
(you're lucifer, are you not?)
however did you guess my name?
(everyone knows about lucifer.)
how embarrassing, my dreams appear to have come true. fuckin' shit.
(ONE DAY
I'M GOING TO HEAVEN
IF I KEEP
EXHAUSTING MYSELF. I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO
FLOAT UP.
)

in dreams, the exaggerations of my ideals inspire others. pictures
are taken of me. i don't throw weapons, but others who believe
in my dreams as they don't have any for their own pickings
throw weapons on my behalf.
i'm speaking from cunt
i'm speaking from asshole
i'm speaking from dirty penis
i'm speaking from waste-giving
i'm speaking like this:
DING DONG DITCH
people who die
BUILDING BRIDGES
people in charge of their money
DID NOT PAY FOR THEIR FUNERALS
effigies abound in my soup rather than letters
of the alphabet these days.

my upbringing is
who i am is a
pathetic place to go- a protective barring
that i can see through.

my ideology that has something to do with
rejection of my upbringing springs
several discrepancies and i don't even know
where to start but i have
peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnis
i have diseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssses SHUT THE FUCK UP
i'm going to sit here and think OH AREN'T YOU SMART
yes i am VAGINA-HEART PENIS-DICK

I HAVE TO SPEAK UP ABOUT HOW I AM. I AM ONE
I AM ONE WHO FINDS REALITY CONFUSING
i am an opera singer
i am a ballet dancer
i am beloved graceful talented beautiful elegant not embarrassed but confident
i am dangerous (hmmm let's talk
a bit about that one)

i am danger as danger is easy
to emulate.
i have dedicated myself to danger after dedicating myself to
every religion and now i'm trouble from all of it.

there is no chance at discovery as i have destroyed and disguised
all of it. i don't have a chance. you hear that?
chance is gone.
chance is not home anymore.
(but you're *right there*! I SEE YA!)
no chance isn't.
(yes, you are! you're right there! chance!!!!!!!!)
chance is not home god fucking dammit.
(chance, stop! what the hell! chance is home!)
chance isn't home.
(chance? has this been a dead body this whole time?)

i purposefully avoid. what the hell? what the heck is what the hell!

i need a baby because everything is boring
otherwise. BABY! stillborn. BABY FOREVER MEMORY! THE
atlas of my life seems an insignificant dot.
the soul has become a lie materialized. at most, a prayer attempts to guide one
into the threading of their karma, worn out.
nobody believes in anything except material.
we are not believed. backs are turned on us.
only the old
only
olden
only good old
days
only the old world
only the old
know
they
know not much
only the old
go
where the young
are not
to
touch

i am nominal. (WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD)
i am a belief unclinged to.
i am threadbare
and trembling apart.
i am a racial slur.
i am an ignored racial slur.
i am ignored.
i am in trouble for that which is not my understanding.
i am a choice maker, uneasy concerning such.
i am a disease, unable to afford my capital value.
i know my value
is none at all.
i cannot acquiesce elementary needs.
i am too jaded to even try to do.
this is l'ennui from which i suffer, you see.
i suffer because it's
rule number one.
house burns down, murdered bodies!

refuse to learn to hustle for capital value;
judgments are thrown at self
to make up for
self's stunted development of value.