Tuesday, July 5, 2016

safe place.

there is meat in prison, the parade
of helplessly surrendered.

i fear their looming shadows, those of

the set examples,
the consequences,
the wet dreams of tourists,
god's mistakes,
the threats.

they are the meat of the system,
each uniquely inhibited
as we all
are uniquely inhibited.

our choices led us here.
our choices are restricted within.

this is within myself, that which is outside.

in prison, which is the inside of myself,
smells rise to the ceilings
in humid fogs. unable
to move further upward, they forcefully

push themselves back downward
to the possession of meat once born. this is repeated
again and again.
i fear this flux, this
cyclic starting over, being

the only action to be.

i do not know what to do about freedom. even freedom
feels like an obligation; a pressurizing condition
i must do my best to learn to live with.
i treat it as a framing gesture overwhelming me.

i do not know what to say.
i fear i'd rather not be allowed a say, and speak then
as to control an imposed power struggle.
i do not know what to do but acknowledge.

i do not think there is anything else to do.
so let me tell you how disgusting i am:
i am disgusted
by what actions i must've taken
that must have led me to the intensities, rapturous
frequencies of emotion today,

to the extent that i forget all of my altruisms.

i start over without noticing.
i fear this next life.
i fear starting over.
i start over once more without noticing.

on the cross
i will recognize presence
as my freedom,
as my truly holy womb.