a force is that which cannot be chosen. walls pressure against me in my sanctuary. i am upset even in my dreams about all outside of my control and i'd like to understand this trauma. i don't know where god is. perhaps i am being protected and this indeed is his song. perhaps i have to dig as much as i can from pits in order to know rapture is always a fact; light is always there- this is a matter of me reacting to not getting or having or being what i want; a matter of me mistrusting my surroundings. god wants me to tell stories to spread word. how nice. i don't know. depression is not meant to be understood. i don't know what to learn from this teacher. i feel "insane" and exhausted. i know i have to learn upon the course i am on in order to embrace truth however i must. this is a force, yes. i must learn how to step away from my willfulness against force. i must trust that everything is always taken care of whether i notice it or not.