Thursday, October 27, 2016

hootie and the blowfish.

childhood; fugue of the mother. when in the car, my mother would transfer herself into the depths of emotions- as such often goes when emotion is hidden from conscious awareness- when the hootie and the blowfish song "only lonely" would play on the car radio. whenever my mother dreams about my dad now, she seems way more fragile than usual in a way that she does not seem to address. like maybe she's going to cry. she sings "nobody knows it but me" from that song throughout the rest of the day. one thinks that she's about to let herself feel sad. these are the only dreams my mother says she remembers.
dad, a part of me neither accepts nor understand your role in my life, in a way that i can actually somewhat trust it has nothing to do with the convincing  of my rage, who i am married to. as a result, i feel nothing toward you. it seems passive. so i manifest a dragon and allow it to rape me regularly.