Saturday, May 27, 2017

sappho.

presenting a bowl of it, i offer
my blood to the gods. i do this when i breathe among others.

it trickles onto their feet, sprouting
a fungus out of their skin.

they go back to what they were doing.
i then realize

that my playing my lyre for them was
all in my head; her body

i tossed aside.

Friday, May 26, 2017

"isn't it weird, how nothing coming out now even mentions what's going on?
"

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

is anyone else home beside me? is this the first time i've ever asked?
will other people respond, will they respond nicely? would it make a big difference
like i'd like it to?

if i find myself
exploring
would i find myself
marvelling upon discovery? maybe i haven't explored yet. maybe i've

never even moved before, maybe i antithesize movement.

if i called myself names, which mean, at least superficially, something, would my name still
be nothing?
guess i made life up
with my wild imagination (which is imagined)
to keep myself busy.

this is my job which is the only job.

so this is when i meet the part when i learn that i'm not actually being held captive in a belltower by an evil, jealous witch, nor am i a social activist being penalized for aligning confrontation with soul, as in, i'm not surprising anyone, because they're only my stuffed animals and i actually have learned they're not home anymore, either. climaxes aren't offered, that is. there is no offerer.
maybe there are others, and they've fled to a safe house when i wasn't looking, which is where they get married, to other people, or to drugs, which is sensible, if they felt like how i do before they got married. well, i'll just keep doing the things i do because i know it'll matter in the long run.

one: i'll run faster.

if i run faster than i'm sure i'll feel anger which i'm sure i must be feeling. no? maybe if i run as fast as i can. no? well, i guess i'm not ready for anger today. maybe if i run without passion that would help me.

two: i'll listen to music louder.

i know i must feel something when i listen to music. i know that i love music. maybe if i just make it louder, as opposed to restricting how much i listen to, it'll prove that all i've needed to do is let go, and that, yes, this really has all been an evil spell. when i'll blast music, i'll know that, because i'll connect to it. no? i'll blast it even louder, so loud, that it'll kill my tinnitus. that's mean, but maybe that's what i need to do. i'll blast music louder and louder, and it'll be the music that, in my heart of hearts, is the music that is important to me.

three: track moon phases.

i'll see where i am during the different phases of the moon, and which sign it's positioned in. full moon in scorpio: exhausted. new moon in scorpio: trying to convince myself i'm not exhausted.
if i get myself to match the schedule of the sky, i'll feel things, and i'll feel them harmoniously. my relationship with my intuition will tone...i'll be a witch. a white witch a green witch. changing my name to pay respects to the way the universe works. the way i am will make sense. i'll write my dreams down, too, and i'll start to understand what's going on here.
and when i plant, the plants will talk to me. all the sunflowers i plant, and the other happy plants i plant, i'll feel happy when i lookat them, not mad at myself for not feeling. i will learn so many stories. i will hear everything loud and clear.
but i guess i'm still not yet ready even to realize when something is a calling.

four: maintain hygenic health.

if i keep adding lemon to my water, and i keep working on commiting to my veganism, and if i learn to be okay with my distorted relationship with food, it'll stop feeling like i'm raping myself when i eat. if i just hold on to believing this will get me to feel like how cookbooks and nutritional guides say it will, and one knows when it will, it will be something other than upsetting.

five: have a positive attitude.

maybe if i just keep up with cultivating my rosy outlook, saying positive things when i feel less than positive, it will add up to me being something. maybe if i just was awful...maybe that would help? i could never.

six: find self. find self in change.

if i just decorate my room and say while doing this, "this is me doing this," or "i belong here," i will feel it.
maybe i just haven't had the luck to like anything i believe i like yet.

seven: try grounding exercises periodically throughout day.

if i turn the cold water on, in the shower, and make the water as cold as it can get, that'll get me to wake up. maybe that's what i need to do to unlock secret pathways within myself to get myself to know it's okay to be this way. being nothing means i'm not desperate, which i like, because desperation nauseates me. i may not like the way i inhibit it, but i love the way i refrain from exhibiting it. maybe i just need to get better at doing this. maybe i haven't been willing. maybe i'm too willing. nevermind. nothing.

eight: miscellanious.

i meditate and respect meditation. i'm really nice. i light incense and trust that all of this needs to happen- needs to happen as in, it'll turn into something. i love myself because i think i'm really brave of me to come where i am coming from- you know, life is on hold until you love yourself. my name is nothing because, i'm just not ready yet to turn into something, and i'm not gonna judge that.
i'm not desperate, and here's evidence: i hike up creeks on rainy days and that's something someone at peace would do. as i'm hiking, i notice myself worrying that i'm stepping on turtle eggs, that i'm abusing my dog, that what i'm actually doing is putting out a deathwish out there. but i say, i'm sure this kind of thinking happens to people on vision quests, and, maybe that's what i've been doing this whole time, and maybe if i just keep going, i'll see my ancestors- maybe they won't be elephants, but still, there'll be evidence that some of my beliefs are real, which would make sense to me if they were, because i don't cling to them, necessarily. i maintain a healthy skepticism.
my hard work will be affirmed. and a parade of spiritual overseers will say, "well done," or, "we're proud of you," and i'll see the world as it really is as in, it'll touch me, and it'll turn out i've just been a shaman going through a rite of passage this whole time. at that same moment, a nice boy will court me, and i'll efforrlessly, and, politely, deny them.

and, maybe i just haven't learned yet. maybe that's just what i need, is to evade learning for now. maybe i've just been missing the point. and that's okay! it's just expression.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

< 3

"
Wendiann Alfieri is a weird writer. She has been a weird writer for years. She doesn’t think there is any other way to describe herself. Her favorite color is purple and her favorite animal is the turtle. If she were to do anything at all in the world, she would make everyone and everything equal to each other so that everyone would treat others with respect.
"

http://rosedogbooks-store.stores.yahoo.net/stofmyre.html

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

"there's no more education, no more culture- if culture depends on a commonly understood history- and perhaps no more middle class in the united states. there's war.
"
"your problem is desire. you've tried unsuccessfully to resolve, dissolve desire through work. as a result of this repression, either you must go to war, or you are at war. the cards are unclear on this temporal point. you're now moving through the negative part of that dialectic; there'll be synthesis when your centralized power has died.
"

Saturday, May 6, 2017

the nice mother.

i am a mother to my son, about thirteen
years of age. i'm holding him across me
and he sobs, he wants a party.
the party is to go back to the way things were before we were born

i want the same
and fill the fridge
with deli meats, cheese and eggs, stuff like that

it's my way of saying i faintly hope you want the same as what i want eternally. get up and
open its door,
it's maybe heaven inside,
where maybe god's patiently waiting.