Saturday, April 21, 2018

chaos lyfe.

"When libber null is missing blame the intergalactic time traviling demons you have been identifieing via simbology warped in modern perception. Now when that mini tome re manifests in your car... who do I thank? Eris probly, and or this weird dancing Indian in my head"

thrill of the hunt.

war is everything,
war is the backbone of life

said mommy
said daddy
said the books, the movies
said death and rebirth

whose uniform you're wearing.

war is transformation
is why the spirits are mean

at the same time they doggedly believe in you.

the only thing a warrior must learn
is extreme patience with this shit,

as the spirits play around with
your pain tolerance.

you are wanted, for everyone else
has sold their souls to us. how could you

believe there's a chance
that this couldn't be? that you're not

all alone?

you've buried master phoenix
in the tangles of your diseased heart.

we're opening your chest
and luring him out.

if we're gonna die,

we want
everyone to be helpless

in the way
that we've pretended not to be,

as we lose awareness of all
except the loud bird sounds from the sky
who take us apart.

we're all worms, see. we face it.
this is no longer just about
those sturdy young urban boys
we exploit.

we're making a point
about how we're all small.

you better ask for protection

so we can have a good laugh
when you find out there's none left,

not that you'd ever know that

you are hostile
like the devil you worship
whose love you crave.

we release you into his fields
where you've longed
to find yourself lose abandon.

we watch you run,
before catching you and torturing you
with your own starvation,

you being the only one master pheonix
will not eat,
there's nothing else left for you.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

My son is in prison, I received a letter from him. I do not care, but it bothers me. Please prescribe me something to cry.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018


my dreams call on the anaconda mother
who'll save my soul

i sing to her to awaken
and cleanse the infection

interwoven throughout my energetic fabric

it is now smoke rising from the cauldron
of hekate
brewing parts of my body
chanting to the crow

under the full moon

Friday, March 30, 2018


All my original “symptoms” worsened and new ones began to appear. I was becoming disabled. It was obvious that the drugs were not doing what they had promised, so I took what I considered to be a very big chance and decided to come off of them, because at that point I had nothing to lose.

Oddly, for the first month off I was out of it but I was not uncomfortable. Then “all hell broke loose.” I started having severe muscle spasms which were visible to others all over my body including my face. I became so shaky that I was unable to hold utensils. I began to experience a severe vertigo that felt like my brain was on a ship swaying around in a storm. I could not walk straight. I looked similar to those rare and severe recovering alcoholics who experience a ‘dry drunk walk,’ except that this did not start detoxing off severely abused alcohol — this began at a month off a prescription drug taken as prescribed, and lasted for the next two years. I also had visual hallucinations that distorted people’s faces, changed my body in the mirror and caused me to see things which I knew were not there.

I went to my prescriber, emergency rooms, my general practitioner and walk-in clinics. Nothing came up on tests and I heard many different explanations. My psychiatrist told me that the problem was that I did not have enough friends. One doctor frighteningly told me that I probably had a brain autoimmune disease, and another asked that “didn’t it seem more likely that the absence of drugs unmasked an underlying condition rather than the drugs causing the problems?” His hubris and groupthink-inspired point was dead wrong. Please don’t make the same mistake.

Sunday, March 25, 2018


i bow to
tap root,

tap, AKA

the storm who calls me, telling me
to make room for her

don't think i don't know what's going on
or that i need to prove myself to you.

you are my
center who is swirling

always always swirling constantly swirling

you tell me not to take spider medicine today
you tells me spider will just
feed me to her babies

watch me as i go ahead and take spider medicine anyway
and feel justified in not putting it down.
i'm not gonna let anyone tell me what to do,

'kuz disease
is a rat boring into my bones and i've totally
gotta do something about


each pair of jaws a vision
of death, which is seeing i am my weakness disease

demands i know she's my mother disease
demands i know myself

as a spiral


aum dum durgayei namaha
aum dum durgayei namaha

spiral spiral spiral


i tell her i'm not up for it because
i'd rather hunt for anything else for the rest of my life if
that's what it'd take

while i lose control and dive into fire

destruction leads to creation is what i believe in,
death actually doesn't exist

is what i always say.

all the rainbows in the multiverse wait for
nice young ladies like myself, whose

center is now turning into the attack
of an ancient animal.

look ha i'm wild and violent is all the spirits say,
as a way to tell me i am, too, as if
i don't already know that about myself


Tuesday, March 20, 2018

very good reason for everything.

"The way I understand it, part of the purpose of shaman sickness is to saturate you with poison; in the way that fever drives out illness, shaman sickness strikes at the illness of your life in order to heal you. Getting to the harmony and “health” necessary for a spirit-worker isn't accomplished by comfortable forms of healing - it's amputation and fever, like cutting out cancer or making the body such a toxic environment that whatever invading parasite is driven out or killed. The life that was originally present is forever altered because it was “sick” by the standards of spirit-work. When you're “healthy” you are by necessity a different person. 


the storm i house
is the only part of my life i
don't set free. she's the chakra
i've set fire to, somehow a part of my real
body, as in

the one buried underneath all the others. she who
bites and scratches at all who come near.

i offer myself

to the storm forever
to keep it going. let me have a way
to be myself. keep the storm going forever.

i'm not gonna deny it, not gonna lie by saying
my center is a pit or a seed

like how it is for the others
operating on the other wavelength.

mine will expand one day.
mine will be huge and it will change.

Friday, March 16, 2018

"Stigma formed by community reactions and displayed in the media is extremely damaging for any person experiencing any form of mental illness. It is damaging for an individual’s self-identity if they accept the stigma attached to mental illness and start to view themselves from the perspective of the person or social group who is stigmatizing and labeling them. The stigmatized individual internalizes, feelings of shame and guilt and will generally start to isolate themselves from others. This then contributes to the individuals changed sense of self-identity (SANE, 2011;). Becker (in Roach Anleu,1999: 28) states that the label of deviance has been successfully applied by the oppressive other or oppressive segment of society, if the stigmatized person accepts the label placed on them.