Sunday, July 22, 2018

delirium of the endless.


tropical storm stacey.

i pull the trigger
of the gun i hold with my belly

to separate from my love i now
bury in the ground,

watching myself
spiral into the ocean

where i can figure out
how to breathe

i wanna see my skin
prove itself to me,

wanna see it
rip off, change shapes, and swirl around me
telling me a real story about purpose

explain what that could possibly mean
for a small ego in a world

built exclusively
for big egos

'kuz i thought i was so good
at taking crap like a man.

maybe it was driven by hopes
that in doing so

it would stopped being dumped on me.

the young reduce
the worth of my wisdom

and none of the people know how to swim anymore.

we do not take the same medicines
as we once did.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

oshun.

the people
do not understand water,
so it reclaims the earth.

i remember being the first predator
before fear ever was,

the creator the destroyer the snake
that does not care about anything.

the bodies of white sharks lay dead on my floor,
lost in defending me from my own pain.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

protection.

bear claws against either breast
i call to osha:

"allow me to rest"

Saturday, July 14, 2018

"
Borderlines instinctively ‘mirror’ to fit in, because without that behaviour, we have no idea what will happen. We have little or no sense of our own identity, so we can’t know if that will be acceptable to others. Without acceptance by others, we risk abandonment, which is often an intense fear for Borderlines. Why do we have this intense fear of abandonment? Because if we are abandoned, we have nobody to ‘mirror’. The fear of abandonment is a fear of being alone. It is terrifying to be left alone with yourself, when you don’t know who yourself is.

Imagine being entirely alone, looking into a mirror, and seeing a total stranger. Or, worse still, seeing nobody at all. There is no ‘you’. That’s kind of horrifying, right? So you’ll go to great lengths to avoid that situation, because, as an emotionally dysregulated person who experiences feelings in extremes, that situation will put you headfirst into a tailspin.
"

https://sjmyles79.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-chameleon-effect/

eating the poacher.

there's a roar cutting across the sky, whose
only color is ever red

the roar is that of the lion
whose head you cut off- do you
remember?

you showed me how to do it too.

you're the one who told me

how forbidden it all is
what trapped animals we are-

it is inside my head in fact
where the earth first formed

and though
it no longer bears relation to my body,

i'm still stuck
in my head

where i contain fear as a plague:
earth's shifting grounds i'm digging through

pushing my rage into her heart
so that she can continue living

Saturday, June 30, 2018

blood and fire.

who is the parasite
that taught my young to set me on fire

when i can just set myself on fire?

ha watch me set myself on fire
ha ha watch me set myself on fire

i  give to you
the truth of desire

watch the bitch set herself on fire
look at this stupid bitch just setting herself on fire

my bones are in her mouth
she sucked the marrow out

the trees are awake with fury, thunder
rolling through the ground

bat and bird alike are shrieking
i roll my eyes
into my head

and see the song of blood
is something like what i've become

yet too
something that happened before death

i believe in this truth of desire
only when it strokes my fur,

when i find myself paralyzed with fear/
i cleanse this house
of any possibility that my life continues to be a psychological thriller

Friday, June 29, 2018

meth pipe.

you will be held responsible
and expected
to stay on top of your shit
at all times

all the while
being lost in a foreboding forest
full of spirits that're trying to kill you

ya better learn
to know above both fear and apathy
and pray for protection
on the count of three bitch

three

Sunday, June 24, 2018

i am goddess and i am phoenix.

i.

is the world ending no don't give a fuck about current appearance
endings are really only
the shock that comes with genuine beginnings

do not become lost after death. know you're only entering
a new kingdom. wounds are the parts of you that'll become stronger,
the parts of you that make you a warrior.

never forget that venom is not
as we perceive it to be, it is only us projecting fear
when it is disease and death that come to teach us

and i know this now, i know it is my power to wield choice,
to say maybe i am fire well i like fire,
guess what everyone go fuck off and die i don't like anything else.

i'm turning into a bird that can survive only in fire.

once in contact of anything other than fire,
i must dive back into the center of the earth
as to re-enter the womb, remember

the gravity of my bones, wherein
i store all past lives.
this restoration
is how one waits the emergence
of a new life.

ii.

i've been to the bottom of the ocean and see
the elders,
my name is oshun and i'm a free woman.
hear me release lightning
as i wash ashore

and tell you
i don't give a fuck no more

hope you don't mind me
standing in your waters, facing the waterfall
with an open heart, pussy, asshole, mouth, eyes, third eye
my feet in the sand
snakes coiled around both of my feet

asking mother to accept my blood.

i am goddess and i am phoenix mother, one who endures the bowels of the world
and one that learns that waste too feeds the world

i am death and rebirth baby, the unexpected saint. our expectations

creating a rigid complicity
that serves as a block between us
and liberation.
i admit i'm a part of this entanglement,

i am both good and evil.